My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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