I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
