just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
