never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
