I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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