i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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