Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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