I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
