Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
