it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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