OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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