Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
