Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
