My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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