i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
