When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
