I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
