Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
