we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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