Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
