i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
