Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
