I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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