eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Found the puke drawer
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
