walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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