What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
