You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
