I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
