The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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