I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
