Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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