Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
MIDGETS
????
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
