I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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