Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
