When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
