i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
