you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
