Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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