i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
