Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
