btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
