Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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