I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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