just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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