Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
