I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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