I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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