This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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