Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
