so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
