Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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