He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
