Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
false alarm, still single
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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