Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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